Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
