So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
We smell like vodka and hangover
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