He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
