I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
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when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
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I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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