Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
