Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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