In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
