hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
