whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
