i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
In America we eat man semen.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
