There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
