you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
