I haven't been this sober since birth.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
