my phone needs a breathalizer
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
