someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Drunk is a universal language darling
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
