Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
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