Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
