I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
