I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
