I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
