just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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