Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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