Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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