the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
