pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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