I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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