The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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