May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
She bit a glass in half.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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