Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
