: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
