just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Randomize
