my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
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We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
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I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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