He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
