I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
