Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
