I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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