I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
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Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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