I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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