I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.