There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
