Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Floor bacon is actually really good