she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
