I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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