im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
