Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
