I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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