I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
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He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
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Happy you have kids and I don't day!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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