im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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