I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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