I love black thongs
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
