im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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