It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
