listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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