Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
