My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
