sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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