im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
