insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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